I'll Be Home for Christmas
by Search4thetrurth
Summary: JackAudrey. Another Darkfic. Speaks of child abuse and self mutilation. You've been warned.


Jack Walked out of CTU with Tony and Michelle. "Merry Christmas Jack" Tony said as he put an arm around Michelle, and the two walked to their car.

"Merry Christmas you guys, don't drink to much eggnog!" Jack said, putting on a big smile, hoping that they would buy it.

"I won't if you won't" Michelle said over her shoulder to Jack

"Deal" he said, trying to sound genuinely happy.

Jack walked through the CTU Parking lot towards his car. The sun was just setting, so he could still see where he parked his car. Earlier that night He, Tony, Michelle, Chloe, Bill, Chase, and a few other people that Jack didn't know all had a small Christmas party. Jack didn't want it to end, being that he didn't want to go home to his empty apartment, and spend another Christmas alone. Jack had offered to close up the building, and Tony, being one of his best friends, offered to help. Tony, knowing that Jack had no one to spend Christmas with, had taken Jack aside and invited him to spend Christmas with him and Michelle, saying that he was his best friend, and that he wanted to spend Christmas with him, but Jack said no. He didn't want to intrude on his and Michelle's plans, and he also didn't want Tony feeling sorry for him.

But now Jack had closed up CTU, and was at his car, so at some point, he was going to have to go home. He got into his car, and put the key in the ignition. He sat there awhile, not really thinking about anything, and then pulled out of the parking lot. He didn't want to go home, but he didn't want to be driving around the whole night either, so he took the long way home, only stopping to pick up a bottle of J&B. As he was walking out the door, the elderly man at the register called out to him: "Merry Christmas, to you and the family." Jack put one of his many fake smiles, and returned the gesture. The guy must have seen the picture of Audrey and Leah that Jack kept in his wallet.

Jack threw the bottle in to the back seat of his Ford Expedition and started driving again.

After some time, he was passing through neighborhood close to his apartment. He drove by houses with Christmas lights up, and some fake light up trees in the yard, and looked inside some of the houses, only to see the families all gathered around the Christmas tree, kids laughing, playing with the dog, parents just watching there kids, convinced that they had it good. Jack glanced at the back seat, desperately needing a drink, but decided to wait, being that he only had a few more blocks to go.

Finally, he pulled up to his building. He parked in his usual spot near his apartment, got the bottle out of the back seat, and walked up the 2 fights of stairs to apartment. Jack got his key out of his pocket, unlocked the door, and walked in. All the lights in the apartment were out, but Jack didn't care.

It was spartanly decorated. There was a couch on the wall opposite the door with a table in front of it, with an old TV across form it. The kitchen was right of the door, with a bar in it that he used as a dinner table, a stove, a fridge, and a microwave. There was a bedroom, across from the kitchen, which had a bed, and a dresser. The bathroom had a shower and a toliet. He had bought it pre-furnished, and hadn't changed one thing. He hadn't even put any pictures up. When he and Audrey had bought their own place, she had moved everything except the walls. He just didn't have the energy to do it, and he just didn't care. It looked like no one lived here, and that's the way he wanted it.

He took a cigarette box out of a draw in the kitchen, pulled on of them out, and lit it. As he inhaled, he felt the heat of the smoke go down his throat, and into his lungs. He got a glass out of the cabinet in the kitchen, cigarette still in his mouth, and got the bottle of J&B. He opened the bottle, and poured some of it in to the glass. He left the bottle on the counter, and started to walk over the couch, but, then on second thought, turned around, and took the bottle with him. He put the cigarette down on an ashtray on the table, and raised the glass to his lips and took a sip.

Christmas always made him think about his childhood. A slight smile crossed his lips, accompanied with a melancholy laugh, as he rolled his eyes and though about his childhood. God, it was horrible. He had hated his parents. He hated his father since he was an abusive bastard, to both him and his mother, and he hated his mother, because she never did anything about it. So many nights when he was little and he parents would fight, him watching from the stairs, his father would hit his mother, over and over again, and she would just lie there, not fighting back. When his father would beat him, Jack would cry silently into his pillow, taking the blows to his back, arms legs, and head. Hoping his father wouldn't turn him over, and see that he was crying. But he always did. He would look at him and say 'you want some thing to cry about, I'll give you something to cry about, you stupid good for nothing sonofabitch' and the blows would worsen, only now his face, and stomach being assaulted. But he never cried out, knowing that it would only make it worse. When his father finally got tired, he left his room, leaving Jack, usually a bloody heap by then, lying on his floor.

Driving past those houses on his way home was always hard for him during the holidays. He had always wanted that as a kid, but knew that it would never happen. He had always wanted to come home to a loving set of parents, who rarely yelled at him, but when they did, it still always worked out for the best, that every night he wouldn't go to sleep crying in his pillow because of all the pain and suffering in his life. Some times at night, when it was all too much to take, he would think about what it would be like to have a normal family. With maybe even a sibling, or a dog. He had always wanted a dog. But his father said no, so he didn't challenge it. The one thing that helped to tie him over was that he would always be a much better father then his ever was.

When he was 13, he snuck over to a friend's house and was introduced to whiskey. The alcohol took away the emotional pain, and in large enough quantities, the physical. Ever since he had need it in his life, not to the point where he was an alcoholic, but to where it was self medication.

. When it was time to go to college, he deiced to join the army. His life in the army was interesting. He some how got into special ops, which he liked, but eventually, wanted out, so he joined with CTU. His work at CTU kept him occupied, but then he met Terri. They were happy; she even got him to lose the drinking problem while they were together. They got married, and had Kim. But now she hated him, and he couldn't bear to think of that. It was warranted though, he had missed out on most of her life, and the parts he had been in, he had fucked up. When he was with her, she had been kidnapped, her mother killed, her boyfriend's hand cut off, and it was all his fault.

Jack had finished the contence of his glass, so he picked up the bottle and poured him self another. That guy at the liquor store had almost killed him with his 'Merry Christmas'. He would be having Christmas with someone, if he hadn't fucked up another person's life. After Terri got killed, his drinking had gotten worse, and then the heroin, god, the heroin. It had made it all disappear. No more problems, no more loneliness, no more anything. But Kim had told him that she wanted him to quit, and he was desperate to get back into her good graces, and for her to love him again, so he did.

But his was a lonely life, many times he had tried to fix that, one night stands, short relationships that had never worked out, hell, he and Chase even had a go at it, but that, just like every thing else, didn't work out.

But then there was Audrey, the love of his life, his soul mate. She accepted him, his jaded past, his flaws, and all that he had had to do out in the field, all of it. She wasn't appalled by it, or disgusted by it. She just said that she loved him, and it was what made him the man that she loved, and that was what was important. They got married, and had their own little girl, Leah. She was the most beautiful baby ever. The day she was born was one of the happiest of his life, holding this little girl in his arms, her little hands grasping his fingers, smiling and cooing while looking up at him. She was a fresh start for him, as a man, as a father, and a husband. She was his daughter, his little girl, his pride in joy. The daughter of him and the woman he loved more then anything. He was with her every moment he could.

One day, when Leah was 18 months old, Jack and Audrey were taking her to a doctor appointment. Jack was walking out the door to go pull the car around, when Audrey said she would take Leah and get the car, if he went back in the house, got her purse and locked up for her. He said he would. Just as he was waking out the door, purse in hand, there was an explosion. He ran to he car, only to find a huge fireball of flames, and Audrey and Leah no where insight. They had both been killed by the blast on impact. It was found that the bomb was activated when the car was started, the bomb that was meant for him. If he had only said he would get the car, his wife and his baby would still be alive.

Now, more then half the bottle of scotch was gone. When his father beat him, he told him that he was good for nothing, a waste. Jack always told himself that it was a lie, that his father hated him, and that he was wrong. For so many years he clung to that. But now, tonight, it was visible to him that it was all true. His father was right. Every thing he touched went bad. His whole life had been just one night of sorrow and loneliness after the other. Tragedy and loss was the only thing he knew.

He then picked up the bottle, and put it to his lips and took a big drink out of it. He was going to give the world what it wanted, but never had the balls to tell him. He walked into his bathroom and found his razor. He broke the head and took one of the blades out. He looked at it for a while and then put it down. He walked over to his record player, something he had always had, since much of the good music he had was on record, and dug out an old 'Christmas with the Rat Pack' record. This album had he only Christmassy song he could stand. He turned on the player, put the record on it, and soon heard the music "I'll be home for Christmas, if only in my dreams...'. He walked out to his kitchen and got his pack of cigarettes, the bottle, and his wallet. He sat down on the bathroom floor, with the items spread around him. He took another drink out of the bottle, and then lit one of the cigarettes and put it in his mouth. Jack picked up the razor blade and rolled up the sleeve of his shirt. He looked at the underside of his right arm. There were light pink scars crossing the pale skin. He had cut him self before, so he knew were he should cut himself to draw the most blood. He took the razor and pushed it in to his pale skin and pulled it up. He hissed at the familiar, but comforting pain, as the razor cut the skin and the air met with it. He cut 2 more vertical cut on that arm, and repeated it on the other arm just above his tattoo.

Jack focused on the lyrics in the song. He would never be home for Christmas again. He could be in his house, but never home. Home was some thing that had been taken away from him, his home with Terri, and his home with Audrey, both gone. He really could only now be home in his dreams. But even that wasn't home; it was just an illusion of it. The only home he cold know now was six feet underground

Jack picked up his wallet, and got out a picture of Audrey and Leah. It was his favorite. She was holding Leah, who was laughing, and the two of them smiling back at him with sparkling green eyes, both so full of life. He looked at it as tears formed in his eyes. 'I always loved you Audie, I never stopped, not for one second'. The blood was starting to pool around Jack, and he was feeling light headed. Jack pictured Audrey. She was laughing, and smiling. A tear rolled down his face. He loved her so much, and it was his fault he was dead. He killed the love of his life, and his baby daughter. Jack's eyes closed, and the cigarette fell to the ground.


End file.
